Back Like Scholiosis!

Wow, about 3 and a half month absence...that was not intentional. The first part was. My new GF suchadreamer came to visit, and I decided not to blog while she was here, so I could devote more time to her. The visit was a success. A great one in fact. We got a long famously, clicked well and fell into a 'groove' nearly instantly. Once we work out a few kinks in travel plans she will be returning, permanently. Which is exciting and worrisome for me at the same time because I've never lived with a GF before. Like all things, I am sure it will bring both it's goods and bads. I look forward to reveling in the goods and conquering the bads to make the good that much sweeter. We are interesting individuals. I am fairly driven and intense. She is much more...laid back. So am interested to see what life situations we can overcome together.

The second reason for my far-too-long hiatus is because on December, 8, 2011 I was attacked and beaten some meth-addled, machismo oozing asshole with anger issues who decided to displace that anger on me by beating me severly with my own metal cane (which he took from me as I fell), simply because I leaned on his piece of shit Thunderbird. This incident left me with a broken left arm, so typing was far to complicated in the cast to do any long-term typing. But the cast is off, I am back and I fully believe that be in through the laws of man or other means, Mighty Tyr will see to in that justice is delt to the scum bag who assaulted me.
It feels good to be able to write again. So I hope my faithful readers (all 2 or 3 of you!) will again be checking in to read my ramblings.

Counting the days...

The day is getting closer
The time draws short fast
She thinks I'm not counting
But I am
In my own way.
Her eyes will shine upon me
And she'll see the grin she inspires
...And someone may have to turn a hose on us!

As you might guess by the above snippet of poetry, I have a visitor coming, and I am growing increasingly excited. I have lots of plans, a few surprises, but no expectations. She is who she is, I am who I am and I won't force her into changes she isn't ready for. She knows how I feel about things going on in her life, and I've given my opinion on it, on what she could do. But the choice, whatever it may be, has to be hers. If I push, I'm no better than the people who are already beating her down emotionally. But that aside, fun will be had, old friends met and new ones made while she's here. Who knows, I may even be able to see this old waterfront town freshly through her eyes.

Cages, Questions, and The Hunt

Is it instinct or emotion that makes me chew her cage.
She's stuck in here
It's not right I won't let it stand.
Did I get here and make here mine
Or was she mine before I got here?
We keep pacing, dancing
Nipping, sniffing
Thu hunt goes on

An old lesson re-learned.

I recently did a post on joy, whether it can be counted, measured, tracked and given a number. Well, the jury is still out on that for me, but I did figure out a bit more about what joy is. It isn't always running around screamingly happy or the out loud whoops of joy or running around raising hell with your friends. Though these things can be sources of joy sometimes. Outlets, I guess. But it settled on me tonight that joy is in the simple things. Talking to your girl for even just a few minutes. Watching a favorite TV show, even though you've seen every episode, and still loving it. Playing the video game you just bought, replaying an old favorite. Or just chilling around the pad with an old friend, having a few beers, eating pizza and just letting all the bullshit out their roll on by without touching you. At least, for a night. Ah... Gods bless simple pleasures!

My Nemesis, My Friend

I received a rather prolonged visit from what I have at times referred to as 'an old friend. And honestly, at time's that's true. But often, I think probably more often than not it's more my nemesis than my friend. And this visitor, this force, it's name is Anger. We go way back, anger and me. It was always the first and most common reaction and emotion project at me, through me, upon me, by the Beast-man who was sadly my male role model. So, of course, over time 2 things happened, pretty much in tandom; I began to both loath and imitate this reactionary behavior. You see, what I would eventually piece together as I grew older (and, in theory, wiser) is that The Beast (To be known as such from here on out) didn't understand any emotion, could not process, deal with or project any emotion, other than anger.
And so from this rather volcanic environment, I was born, a man of similar behaviors. Only by The Grace of The Gods, did I not become a mirror of this old generation, bitter, emotionally stunted, angry Beast. But the demon of anger did find a hold in me. I did not become an openly volent miscreant, or a physically violent woman beater or any such. But the anger was always there, bubbling, waiting. And often it seeps out at unexpected times, or boils over in great bursts, and am like Vesuvius, spewing lava everywhere, reeking havoc and destroying all caught in my wake. So in this way, has it been my Nemesis. But also it has been my friend. It has seved me in defending my own life, in portecting friends and in keeping myself and others safe by instinct and that extra edge it can provide. But the sneaky little bastard in it's negative aspect has cost me much. A connection other friends had that passed me by like dust on the wind, friends that the loss of felt like losing limbs, relationships, that if the anger had not shattered may have altered the course of my life.
Anger has popped up here and there, but not majorly for a while. But over the last days it hasn't just raised it's head, it's been a fucking Hydra! Every time I 'cut off it's head', two more of the damnable things grew back! Again and again this happened until at last I found the 'fire' to burn the stumps, remove all the heads and find calm again for a time. But it was a real deluge of suck and I hope to be able to learn to keep it at bay longer and longer. Because I, in point of sad fact, can become emotionally abusive from it, and I don't want to be that douche ever again. I hope to one day bury that lousy Son Of A Bitch for good.

Snarl!

My hackles are up
My fangs are bared
I need to run
I need to hunt
I need to fight
I need to fuck

Tonight my howl is stuck in my throat
Growls are all that come out
My nose is to the wind
But all I smell is sour
I want to lick my chops and taste blood
And let the crimson stain my muzzle
As a reminder
As a warning!

Loosening The Knot

Saturday night, I did some laid-back, fun, old-school good time drinking with a friend I've known almost 20 years. The current crappy state of our sad economy and a well-crafted lie from another employee desperate to save their own skin had left him briefly jobless -a scary prospect in today's slim job market- but he is pretty sure he's found what could prove to be very gainful employment and so, was sharing his joy with me, via the consumption of good beer and my old friend (and also old nemesis) Mr. Jack Daniels. As we sat there and drank and talked of many things, I think something in me, some great knot I carry around all to often and don't always realize it, began to loosen and unravel a bit. We joked and laughed at current things. We enjoyed the sights of many beautiful young ladies who were moving to and fro, enjoying the teeming nightlife around us. We strolled a bit down our almost two-decades-long memory lane of youthful misdeeds and adult realizations. And when we were done, we settled within my house to chill out the remainder of our evening. He passed out happily while enjoying a movie via the awesome miracle of Netflix, and I got a call about then from a certain young lady with whom I have been cultivating a romantic relationship from afar. Thank you, Mr. Graham-Bell for your lovely invention, which allows us to bridge the states-wide gap between us in and instant and enjoy the pleasure of one-another's company vocally, if not in person.
I must say here, that I am normally a very guarded person. I can express emotions very clearly and much more easily in writing. But, when inter-acting with people I tend to be one to erect walls, play my cards close to my chest as they say, and choose my words very carefully. Alcohol, however, can suddenly become a huge wrecking ball that smashes right through those carefully crafted constructs, redering them inert and tossing inhibitions to the wind.
So...when this call came, that is when the wrecking ball hit and the knot loosened a little. And with that loosening came a loosening of my tongue, as they say and many things I'd kept happily locked away, and things I had been thinking on and analyzing (Probably over-analyzing, knowing me), came pouring fourth.
To my great and joyful surprise, she was quite receptive of all of this and excepting. She was basically just like "OK, this is how it is and I know when you're sober much of this will again get locked away, and that's OK. You'll come to it when you're ready." This made me feel great, and no doubt was a big part of the reason I felt so good Sunday. I don't have "I Feel Awesome!" type days very often, so my thanks to her. She knows who she is. She is among my small readership of the ramblings on this blog, so perhaps she will read this, and within it catch another small glimpse of what she glimpsed that evening...